Formula One fans are strange people. Yes, I said it. You can
admit it; this is a safe space. For months on end, we deem
ourselves unavailable on alternate Saturday mornings, missing
nieces' and nephews' sports days and brunches with friends. Then
again, who are we kidding? We'd miss the three-legged race even if
there weren't a practice session on. Traditional Sunday afternoon
family lunches are either devoured in double time to make the five
lights or are shovelled down in front of the television between the
parade lap and lap 2. And, while we're dealing with this, thank
you, oh Bernie the wise, for never failing to schedule a race on
Easter Sunday and Mother's Day. Really. It's like you want them to
hate us. Anyway, no matter how you look at it, we're a committed
bunch. Then, for a seemingly endless four months between November
and March, something strange happens. We emerge from our
petrol-induced stupor, either claiming that was the best season yet
or that, once again, the FIA tweaked the results and the outcome is
political. We check our fantasy F1 league ranking one more time
(seriously, how did petrolsniffer007 finish higher than you?!),
sigh, and close our laptops, having no choice but to acknowledge
that it is indeed that time. Yes, the dreaded off season. Queue the
traumatic flashbacks.
Our family and friends may not initially notice our gradual
re-integration in to human interaction. Once we've mourned the end
of the season for an appropriate period of time, we may start
small: Googling world news instead of Group Lotus vs Lotus Renault
press releases and staying seated at the Sunday lunch table. And
then, it happens. The big one. We agree to a weekend away without
having to consult any FIA sanctioned documentation. They realise
that their constant duel with pit stops, moveable rear wings and
stewards has come to an end. Temporarily. But hey, after this many
months of neglect, any involvement on our part exceeds their
expectations.
This brings us to an anomaly in the season: the summer break, or
"mini off-season". The hideous 4-week dry run that prepares us for
the real 4-month off-season. To the uninitiated, this temporary
reprieve could be mistaken for the end of the season; purely
because they can take no more of your incessant ramblings about
Martin Whitmarsh or tifosi. In order to retain their sanity, they
need to believe it's over. I mean, come on, all the signs are
there: we're free on two consecutive Sundays, our F1 apps remain
untouched and we're using the internet to Google world news and not
"formula one, chassis upgrades". As far as they can tell, it's
over. To them, a gift from above. To us, a torturous time. The
momentum of the season suddenly grinds to an abrupt halt mid-way.
We know it's the turning point; the crucial moment where we can
finally start crunching the numbers and start talking the
championship realistically. I guess childhood Christmas mornings
prepared us for this. We're forced to contain our excitement and
gaze longingly at what we know is going to be something awesome,
until someone older, wiser (Bernie?) gives us the go ahead to find
out. We're expected to wait the pre-requisite four weeks before
re-igniting our constant F1 championship banter, our passion and
excitement, with all our theories about how the remainder of the
season will play out kept on ice, lest we forget them before we get
racing again.
They claim it's a "factory shutdown" to allow employees the
chance to "rest" and spend time with their "families". Who are they
trying to kid? We've seen their pitlane employees, layered in
fireproof clothing and futuristic headgear. What we haven't seen
though, are most of their faces. Think about it. So let's all keep
fooling ourselves in to believing this is a break for their
undoubtedly and totally provable human employees, and not a chance
for us to grant our families a temporary reprieve of all the
Formula One talk. Face it: no matter how excitedly you tell your
story, they're just not that in to it.
So, as we continue to mope our way through the current
off-season (is it over yet?!), spending time checking on our
favourite team's planned upgrades, our chosen driver's choice of
summer vacation and generally just looking for any morsel of
Formula One news on these slow news days, let's remind ourselves of
why we are really observing this period: our retinas need a break
and our livers need some work in order to deal with McLaren's
forthcoming Saturday eyesores, I mean, overalls. Rumour has it
their late summer-autumn collection will outdo even their shocking
floral and flame design gems of the early season. Oh yes, my
friends, make that a double. And keep them coming.